Ghost of Halloween past...

I love the Great Pumpkin. I love fall. I love hot apple cider and kettle corn and candy apples and costumes and trick-or-treating and Halloween.

My best halloween costume ever -- I was a pregnant nun... in Catholic high school (though I told the faculty I was just a fat nun... looking back, I'll bet they didn't buy it.) My worst halloween costume ever -- Playboy bunny... a chunky junior high girl in a black body suit and pink tights, with ears and a cotton tail. Mortifying.

This year, I made Clownfish into Percy from Thomas the Tank Engine. I made it out of a cardboard box. Another mom at Clownfish's playschool made Thomas for her son. And hers was much better -- the face was appropriately grey, and she even put on a smoke stack with cotton. Bitch.

So, the lights are off, and the doors are closed, and I have hung out no other "hey, trick-or-treat here" kids indications. Why? I didn't buy candy. Not "I forgot." I just didn't. Maybe its because I have never found a pumpkin patch that is "real sincere"... maybe its because Bullshark and I usually decorate and that gets me into the holiday spirit... maybe its because I have a memo due Thursday that I haven't started... whatever the reason, today just feels like any other Tuesday.

Sexame street

Random aside: I think Telly Monster from Sesame Street has an unnatural attraction to Baby Bear. I mean, I am as libertarian as the next mom, but I am not sure I can support inter-species, same gendered pedophilia.

Random aside Number 2: I just heard Elmo say, "I don't think I can fit all that in my mouth" and it made me smirk.

Note to self: do not blog while Clownfish is watching children's television. Especially when you haven't had sex in this side of forever.

law school recap

In the few days of law school... I was threatened with a constructive absence for not having my case book in class, even though I had done the reading and had appropriate notes... still doing personal jurisdiction in civil procedure so it would be good if I actually started trying to learn the requisite rules of civil procedure instead of just keeping my head above water by skimming the cases... I have not been late for contracts in four consecutive classes... spent a few hours both Saturday AND Sunday in the library working on my legal skills research assignment (thanks Grandma for coming up, boo legal skills in general) ... my torts prof made me laugh out loud by quoting rap lyrics (I may have to do a whole post on that one) ... my goal to NOT get called on all week was shot by 9:12 a.m. in contracts... I understand its a small section, but I wasn't even making eye-contact! ... damn, then I volunteered a short answer in torts.... I may have to sit on my hands... I have a practice exam in torts on Wed. so I really gotta work on that outline... I think torts is open-notes (woot!) ... a few of my cohorts have the flu and I hope I don't catch it... I read the 2LiveCrew decision for legal skills... good times.

EDIT: a constructive absence is what certain profs give you if you are unprepared for class -- in my case, lacking a casebook even though I was otherwise prepared (and I don't book brief!) One guy got one because he couldn't define 'inter alia.'

Depression Friday...

Not so much this week!

Could be that Grandma is coming up this weekend to let me get my legal research done for my memo. Have I mentioned that legal research makes me feel like an incompetant boob? Yeah, I think I have. This time next year, it'll probably be like breathing, but right now... its like golf. And I suck at golf.

Could be that the chilling effect of the blog discovery seems to be easing slightly, from some corners anyway.

Could be that I just ate an ice cream sundae.

Could be that Bullshark sent me a really sweet email today -- one that made me feel happy and loved.

Could be that Clownfish is singing a made up song right now -- it involves donuts and munchkins.

Anyway, this bodes well for a good weekend.

Fallout girl

So the consequences of being "found out" have not been too dire. I have moved on and so have my classmates. This move is more for my own peace of mind. Thanks to those of you who followed.

Speaking of peace of mind, I've been reasonably happy lately. Clownfish is wonderful and I will post a nice long list of his latest bouts of wonderfulness soon. BS (Hubby, short for Bullshark) is also doing well. Today is our 8 year anniversary. E I G H T years, so I should be sad and blue and missing him worse than ever. I should be weepily watching our wedding video and eating a pint of overpriced Ben and Jerry's mint chocolate chip. But I am not. I'm working on law school stuff and keeping busy. And relatively happy. And amazed that he has put up with me for this long *smile.*

But...

The house is a bit of a mess. Ok, that's an understatement. And I have company coming tomorrow evening for dinner. Just the little girl I used to watch and her family. Just pizza. But it would be good if they could see my kitchen counter. Or had a surface to eat off of (my dining room is also my office.) I might need additional homeowners insurance because its literally impossible to walk in the living room without breaking a limb. Clownfish has many boy toys with wheels.

Oh well, who needs sleep, right?

EDITED TO ADD (REMOVED FROM FAQ)

Why semi-anonymous?

Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean future employers aren't out to get me. In fact, this is my second blog because my 1L classmates found my old one, admittedly due to my own indiscretion.

See back in the old days--what? 2006?--before Google Reader and Bloglines there was this thing called Blogrolling, but you could only check the blogs on your blogroll from your blog... see... and that's how I got discovered... reading blogs at the end of class. Ok maybe bloglines was around in 2006 but I didn't know about it. The point is, Blogrolling was awful... actually that's not the point at all. This is a lengthy and pointless aside.

Anyway, things got... uncomfortable.

So, no more posts about your classmates or profs?

Not that I did all that much of it beyond the usual 1L venting (OMG! so much reading! OMG! so many pointless questions! OMG! I totally got thrown under the bus in class!), but no.

The blog: now with less depression

Ok, the insomnia continues, but I've been feeling surprisingly good the last few days.

Comments have not been enabled on this blog yet but they will be.

I'm on the way back, people.

The fake it til you make it approach to normalcy...

I woke up this morning and snuggled with the Clownfish and watched Thomas the Tank Engine. We decided it would be a good day to go to pre-school really late and allow Mommy to have two fewer hours of productiveness in exchange for squooshie hugs and playing with trucks.
I then put on an outfit that I think makes me look less like a slug, and I put on heels and make up. Outside its a beautiful fall day, breezy and sunny and not too cool, and the trees are really starting to change. I love this time of year, so I took a short walk around outside before class started.

So I am starting to feel better.

What motivated the down turn? Couple of things -- I legitimately suffer from PMS (depression manifestation, not psychotic bitch), and some months it hits me hard. Plus I got into a small argument with Hubby, but its really hard to argue with someone when you feel so effing guilty for feeling annoyed.

Back to regularly scheduled blogging.

Irony

Check out her next movie role... hmmm.

Baby mine...

I just got back from visiting a girlfriend from my last job. She just had a baby boy (she also has an 11 and an 8 year old, and she's on the north side of 33, so baby Jack was a bit of a surprise.)

Baby boy Jack was over 10 and a half pounds at birth. So when I held his nine day old body, it wasn't like holding a scary, delicate newborn. It was like holding a wriggling six week old. And I was jealous -- jealous she has this wonderful blessing of a new baby boy. Jealous she loses track of the days because she spends her time nursing him and staring into his eyes. I miss that connectedness so much.

Yeah, its great to have Clownfish -- the toddler years. I wouldn't trade a second of it --- its wonderful, even when its heartbreaking. His personality -- his personhood -- is bursting through more and more every day. He is struggling to be independent, while still being totally dependant. And I can see him growing up and growing away from me each day. And I know that's what motherhood is.

And so I miss having my totally dependant little baby and I am jealous of my friend.

And she said, "You know, I always wanted to go to law school. Or back for a Masters degree. I'm a little jealous of you."

The nice thing about this world is that its never really too late -- of course I plan to have another child and I hope I am so blessed (maybe even twice more!) Of course she can find a way to go back to school -- she'll probably wait til Jack is school age himself, but she can do it.

But right now, I look at her baby and sigh, and she wanted all the details of 1L while her older kids argued over computer games and her infant suckled at her breast.