Walls fall down

I have built some walls between my 'real' life and my 'bloggy' life. They weren't always there, especially in the early months of the blog. Of course, that made me vulnerable to ... well, exactly what happened.

I like blogging about balancing law school and family and ambition and confusion and happy toddler moments and randomness and joy and sadness and life. But I do so more guardedly than perhaps I would otherwise.

I am having one of those moments that has given me pause -- do I blog it? I have answered in the affirmative, but only because it bears on my perspective on the balancing act.

I dropped a hint on the blog a few weeks ago. I had planned to drop some more hints before I announced the big news. I was an excited, enthusiastic, happy pregnant person. Kind of made me surreally fuzzy-headed through exams, especially property. It gave me added insulation against the freak-out I should be having about my potentially sub-Law Review quality grades. Tuesday's post notwithstanding, I've been generally ok. The pregnancy was well-timed and while not planned, not not planned, you know?

Today, I had a miscarriage. It's my second in a row. The implications of that ... well, that's for next week ... doctors and tests and bloodwork oh my.

This time was in some ways easier than the last -- I wasn't in denial when it started. I knew it. I think I knew something wasn't right as early as Wednesday. I cried with the very kind ultrasound tech and held it together talking to the doctor. Blessedly there will be no additional procedures this time. So right now, I am blogging dry-eyed, kind of numb, and tired.

Fortunately, I have another two weeks before I start my summer job. Plenty of time for reading some trashy novels and some therapeutic shoe shopping -- ISO cute, business casual appropriate, closed-toe (boo!) recommendations.