Grateful

I remember being home with Clownfish during those first weeks and months.  I remember feeling happy. I remember the mommy bliss that comes from nursing.  I remember feeling generally grateful that he was healthy and seemed like a pretty easy baby.  I remember that 'wow, just a few short weeks ago, he wasn't in this world' awestruck feeling.

But this time I feel gratefulness and awe on a totally new level. I don't think I truly and completely appreciated what a miracle Clownfish's birth was, having never personally experienced anything else. Six years later... six years during which we survived pregnancy losses, difficulty conceiving, law school and an Iraq deployment... I have a different perspective I guess.  I am still so relieved that she is in this world.  Relief is not an emotion I remember from last time.  

Additionally, my time with newborn Angelfish is so so short.  I really want to finish my commitment to the Lucy job.  It ends in July.  I have no plan for what's next and I need one.  But I am much more conflicted about the idea of returning to work so quickly now that she's not a hypothetical baby, but really here.

Speaking of which, she's stirring.  I am going to go marvel at her.