I'm physically recovered from childbirth.
I have friends who want to visit us and I'm sure I'll be happy to see them once they're here. But I cannot summon the energy to invite them over. I don't want to bother.
I'm eating too much.
It is too cold and the ground is too snow-covered to go for walks.
I cry often.
I am having difficulty establishing a pumping schedule and as a result I am returning to work in less than a month and have zero breast milk in reserve.
The truth is I think I'm really depressed. Or really f**king tired and its manifesting as depression. And I hate it.
* * *
I started this post yesterday, Wednesday. Yesterday was a bad day. I got very little sleep and Angelfish was super clingy and crying a lot. Gassy maybe. Rough night Tuesday night and rough day Wednesday, anyway. I escaped the house briefly yesterday to go to the dentist for a long-overdue cleaning while my mom watched the baby. I also ran to the pharmacy. I also attempted to drown my crippling sadness in the fast food drive through lane and ended up feeling 100x worse... hence the genesis of this post.
Last night I got somewhat more sleep. Bullshark took Angelfish from 9:30ish to 1ish and I slept. The rest of the night, I spent in a chair serving as a human mattress to Angelfish, but I definitely caught some more sleep because she was much less fussy last night. This morning, I feel a little better. I'm going to shower and Angelfish and I are going to venture out to Target and walk around.
Doesn't solve the milk reserve problem though.
I'm so sorry you are down. Getting out is a great idea when you can talk yourself into doing it! When I built a freezer stash I found that my supply was better in the morning. I would lay out pictures of the baby on the dining room table, watch the Today Show (which I can't stand now) and pump for 15 minutes because that is about how long he would sleep without me holding his cranky little butt. Ugh, pumping sucks :-)
ReplyDeleteHugs... and I hope you don't stress too much about the breastmilk, formula is always an option. Hope you can continue to sleep and get out of the house. Maybe you can force yourself to invite those friends over -- once they show up you'll have to at least pretend you feel better.
ReplyDeleteHugs. I didn't have PPD, but I have depression anyway, chronically, and god do I know what that feels like. You know what's good for you but can't summon the energy to do it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, formula. I should be ashamed (I guess), but I'm a big formula booster, because it gave me so much more freedom to get my life back after the hellish childbirth/first few weeks.
More hugs.
((HUGS)) Hope the tears stop soon. I had a lot of that with Pumpkinhead but fortunately (!!) escaped it with Baby J. Hope your hubby can give you time and support to get to a happy place before you go back to work.
ReplyDeleteOh, I hate those days. Feel better soon.
ReplyDelete