I'm feeling like my old self.
Meaning...
I feel like a ball of rage ready to lash out at anyone at the slightest provocation. I feel easily overwhelmed and want to cry at the slightest set back. I have a barely controllable urge to scream. I am overcome with worry and jealousy and sadness. Guilt? Don't even get me started. I want sooo much to wallow in misery and pints of ice cream and high fat food.
In other words, I think the post-postpartum is kicking in. With Clownfish, it was right around six months. He started eating solid food, I was nursing less regularly, and my period returned. I packed on a ton of weight and was miserable for a long while before I knew what was happening.
I guess this time, since my pumping schedule is all f**ked up because of work and I'm supplementing with formula, it is kicking in sooner. F**king hormones.
This time I am aware. I am doing my best to stay strong in the face of ridiculous efforts to sabotage my weight loss progress. I am trying to manage my expectations. I am trying to get fresh air and sleep.
I see the black hole. It is looming, but it is in the distance. It threatens to swallow me, but only if I don't keep an eye on it, keep it at bay.
So far, so good.
Each time you feel like this just go into your corner, let yourself bawl your eyes out (or break inanimate objects against a wall). Take three breaths, tell yourself that it's not you, it's just the chemical reactions in your brain. Then carry on.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it will help but it's worth a shot. I remember the crazy, ovwhelming emotions too well! Like an OD on some crazy pills!
At least you're aware of what it is and that gives you a measure of control over it. There are plenty of times when I feel a certain way and stop and think, wait, this is just hormonal, and I am more than just hormones. Doesn't magically make it better, but helps me reign it in and not sink into Crazyland.
ReplyDelete:( Welcome to my world. Fat, pissy, overwhelmed. Ugh. (((BIG HUGS!)
ReplyDelete