Tie breaker?

Ambivalent: strong, simultaneous & contradictory attitudes or feelings.

We have talked about whether we want to try for a third child.  We haven't done any medical procedures to prevent a third.  Because we're ambivalent.  In the early years, we always assumed we'd have at least three kids.  We didn't know how challenging it would be to bring #2 into the world.  Or that it would take six years.  Or that the timing would come as such a challenge, but in the end it all worked out fine.  Angelfish was a long-awaited, long-wanted wonderful surprise of a pregnancy.  I was anxious throughout, considering my history, but now we have this amazing wonderfully squishy baby. We consider ourselves so blessed to have been given two happy, healthy kids -- a boy and a girl, no less -- wouldn't it be just the height of selfish to ask for more than that?  Plus, the expense.  We're barely keeping our heads above water.  We've been married for over 12 years. It would be nice to, someday, not constantly feel like we're barely making it every month.  A third child would push that "someday" off even farther into the future.  And college saving? The kids are gonna need some scholarships or something as it is. Retirement savings? What's that?  So maybe our ambivalence was really just a way of postponing what would be the inevitable decision... our family was fine at four.

So imagine my surprise when I popped positive on a pregnancy test today.

I hadn't planned on mentioning it here for a while.  Bullshark is overseas after all. I was hemming and hawing as to whether I should tell him over email or wait til he got home.  I had made telling him about prior pregnancies sort of an event... a special occasion.  These ended badly.  So, with Angelfish, I told him without ceremony.  But it was at least in person.  Then in his email tonight, out of the blue, he said:

Not to get too personal, but did your aunt flow come? or are we expecting a tie breaker in 10 months?

Yeah.  So I took that as a sign, caught him on instant message before went to bed, and told him.

I know I should be overjoyed, but I'm still kind of reeling.  I had only just begun to figure out what it meant to be a working mother of two, and honestly still faced some ambivalence over "selfishly" returning to a job that makes me happy instead of being home with my children.  I wanted to dote on my squishy baby and watch her grow into toddlerhood.  I hadn't planned on doing that with a demanding infant in tow.  I am kicking myself for not being more proactive about birth control.  I only just got my damn period back! I should have known, though.  My kidneys have been hurting.  Last time that happened was here.  Also, I thought my rack looked awesome because I finally started wearing normal (not nursing) bras.  But I guess its not that. 


I'm sure I'll eventually get to the "OMG I am so happy" place.  Congratulations are, of course, completely appropriate.  But I don't feel the "squeeeeeee" ... not yet anyway.

And also, because of my history, I feel like a really bad person right now for not being overjoyed.  Like, if anything happens, I will beat myself up mercilessly because I somehow caused it by my ambivalence.  Which, intellectually, I know is bullshit.  But... well, now you know what its like to live in my crazy ass head.     

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(I know that this is insensitive to women who have fertility issues and had challenging pregnancies.  I know the me who struggled for so long to get & stay pregnant with Angelfish would be so angry reading this post.  But it is where I am now.  And I remind myself that I am not responsible for how other people feel.)