I spent Sunday at a wake for a man aged about 50 -- a father of four sons aged about 16-24, a husband, a brother to three sisters, a son to an elderly mother. He disappeared about a week ago. No note, no clue. Everyone frantic, speculating, praying. He was found a few days later. He had killed himself.
I have a history with depression. I don't write about the thoughts that used to consume me. But I didn't realize how far away from the blackness I was until this weekend, because I couldn't mount an iota of sympathy for him. None. I look at the people he left behind, the mess that they're in both emotionally and financially, and I feel nothing but anger. He had the days before him and he... opted out? I guess. Fucking idiot.
My friend's father is the same age as he was. He's fighting brain cancer, with the worst possible prognosis. But he's fighting.
Susan, from Toddler Planet. I ... don't have the words. (Disclaimer: Read LL's comment below before you click.)
Every day is a gift.
It is. I just read your link and now I'm actually shaking from crying (and trying to stop crying) on my couch. I'm mad at you for making me read something so haunting, and so glad you brought me, one more person, to her blog to think about and pray for her and her family. I just can't imagine, and what little I can makes me so very sad. Every day is a gift.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I should have put a disclaimer.
ReplyDeleteIt was good for me though. Grief and hope and beautiful words like that should be shared and the more people thinking about her, her husband, and her children the better. I'm glad you shared :).
ReplyDeleteI remember talking to a friend during a debate tournament who told me seriously, "I would never kill myself, no matter what I was going through, because it would actually kill my mother." He didn't mean that metaphorically or as a joke. And I knew that he was right and I felt exactly the same way. I remember my mom saying once when I was a teenager that if anything every happened to me, they would have to commit her to a mental hospital for a while. And again, she said this very matter-of-factly. So...yeah. I'm with you.
ReplyDeleteFollow up: Susan passed away on Feb. 6.
ReplyDeleteIf you're just finding this post, please consider donating to http://www.ibcresearch.org/
What is scary about Susan (a Mom I knew in DC before I moved away) is that she found out she had IBC when breastfeeding her child. It is so scary how aggressive this cancer is and how easy it is to write it off as something else when, as a young mother, you are in the throes of caring for an infant. IBC is extremely underfunded but, thanks in large part to Susan's advocacy, its symptoms and the fact that it often targets younger women is now known on a much broader scale.
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