Thursday, December 13, 2012

Difficult questions

An older female paralegal at my job got to chatting with me yesterday and started asking all the hard questions /making tough observations ...

  • Do you work because you have to or because you want to?
  • Are you happy here?
  • Do you like this work? 
  • With your commute, you're spending even less time with your kids ... how is that working for you?
  • You must pay ridiculous amount for daycare for two ... is it all worth it?
  • Do you feel like you're missing out?
  • I guess you spent all that time in law school, you probably feel like you should do something with it....
I mean, yeah, I have some pat answers for co-workers that have a ring of truth but the actual truth...?

I do not find the work stimulating, I have no fucking clue what I am doing with my life, I am hanging on by my fingernails, I wish things were different but I don't know what different I want, my take home pay after my daycare bill has me taking home less than minimum wage, I am terrified I am missing out on my girls and at the same time confident I am not cut out to stay home full time but I don't know how to find a better medium than I already have, and I really miss dairy but I don't want to start gaining weight.

Probably not the answer I should drop on a nice work lady who is just trying to get to know me better though, huh?

(I considered not posting this rant at all, and am probably not going to leave this post up long... I don't want to whine and no one really needs to see more evidence of my sleep deprivation & almost certainly post-partum depression)

16 comments:

  1. It's not whining! Those are the same questions that I never want to answer, because I'm not sure what answer will come out or if I will like what I said.

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  2. I think all your "answers" are very valid. I agree with Grace that you are not whinning, more like open reflections :) honestly, no matter how much i enjoy my job i constantly wonder if Im missing out on too much. Im sorry things are so rough right now. I hope better things are grades your way!

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  3. Sleep deprivation + PPD + new job... sounds like you are going through a very tough time right now. (And don't you hate it when someone starts questioning all the little illusions you've built for yourself to allow yourself to continue functioning?)

    Will the holidays help at all? Any chance you'll get to take a break?

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    1. Illusions = truth
      No time accrued... I get Christmas day and I can take the day after Christmas if I take no time before then... oh, but did I mention the girls are sick?

      Fortunately, Bullshark is taking tomorrow... hopefully all will be better by Monday.

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  4. I echo the sympathy, but WTF?

    I mean, if someone I barely knew asked these questions, I'd probably tell her to fuck herself. Or at least, "What is menopause like? Now that you're close to the end of your career, do you wish you'd gotten more education? Do your children still speak to you? How many cats do you have?"

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    Replies
    1. WIN

      I award you all the internets.

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    2. I had a kindergartener ask me today why I don't work. I almost drop kicked her. Can we trade antagonists?!

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  5. AAL, I just almost spit out coffee laughing. Let's be friends.

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    Replies
    1. Deal. BUT NO MORE MAKING ME CRY IN YOUR BLOG POSTS. ;)

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  6. BF - You are teetering on the edge of happiness here (even if it doesn't look that way). Trust that a) the answers are inside you (and that you are correct) and that b)you don't have to actively plan, scheme, or manipulate anything in order for such to come about.

    (And yes, when I reread my comments, I sometimes feel like I come across as a know-it-all d-bag, but I don't mean to sound that way. I just really believe that you've got it in you to be in the happy-medium and to know how to find it.)

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    Replies
    1. I like the image... I feel like you're right. Just a particularly bad place when I wrote this.

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  7. glad you posted this. i've been mulling over these questions a LOT myself since i started back at work. it's hard. these ARE difficult questions.

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  8. Just {Hugs}. That's all I have. No wise words or funny words. I am staying up all night writing a paper. I wish I could send you my sleep. Somebody should get to have it if I am "voluntarily" foregoing it! (Even though I know it is not just lack of sleep, though.)

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  9. *hugs* thinking those tough questions through is the first step towards something better, right?

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  10. Good hard questions! I think we (working moms) can all identify with them. Thanks for posting--makes me really reflect on my own situation.

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  11. You are most certainly not alone -- in the sleep deprivation or the hard questions with no easy answers (what is it about the legal profession!). Internet hugs. And, seriously, the question about "do you feel like you're missing out" is akin to asking a working mom "who raises her kids" (i.e. should never be asked by anyone. ever.)

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