MILP #254

Attorney At Large had it.

Here next.  You know you're excited about that.

What she said

I'm not the only MILP mommy of a newborn with an older child (or two).  Two posts written by others this week made me say "YES, I so know that feeling.  I am living that right now."  So I am just gonna quote one, and add my commentary.  I'll do the other one later this week. 

Wild Northwest Litigator said:

"There is nothing like mommyhood to bring out the crazy paranoid in you.

I distinctly remember, after my first baby, fearing a bunch of scary things that never existed before there was a baby in the house. . . .

Driving became especially precarious. Each time I got behind a wheel, my mind flooded with vivid worst case scenarios. During each sudden stop, I pictured the car behind me ramming into our vehicle. Each time I crossed an intersection, I pictured another car running their light, and driving wildly into us in a T-bone collision.

Another example: every time I walked down a flight of stairs carrying my baby, I suddenly saw myself tripping, falling, and dropping the baby."

Personally, I've pretty much been in this state perpetually for 16 months now... and it has absolutely gotten worse since LF arrived.  My other "worst case scenarios" involve burns, drownings, carjackings, cars careening off the road while I'm pushing a stroller on the sidewalk, choking, picture frames falling from the wall and onto bassinet....  Ack, some of them are so vivid and so awful, that, if not for WNWL writing her post, I might never have admitted having such thoughts.  It might be a necessary survival response, but it is still awful.

FAIL

I have all the spatial intelligence of a drunken weeble wobble toy. I swear I'd get lost in a jail cell. 

No, really. Proof?

• I have, while holding a map, directed my husband to drive "up."
• I once pulled up to a gas station pump three times in an attempt to get my gas tank on the right side of the pump.  Even acknowledging that sometimes people mess up on their initial pull up, who does it twice in one visit?

So I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at my latest spatial fail.

Today, I found myself with a free half hour.  I attempted to finally arrange 13 pictures of Angelfish into a collage frame, one small picture for each month of her first year and a large photo.  The small photos are in two equal rows of six, and the large picture is to the left.  It (should) match an identical frame I did for Clownfish years ago.  I even numbered the pictures on the back in order so I wouldn't mess up.

In my first attempt, I realized that I had begun arranging the numbers in descending order.  I carefully removed all of the pictures from the matte and tried again.  In my second attempt, I realized I had arranged the entire collage is the mirror image (or upside down) of the one I had done for my son -- big picture to the right.  It looks fine on its own as is, but I'll have to redo it... otherwise, when I make one for Lionfish next year, one of the three will be different.  Unless I find a whole other way to mess up.

Sigh.

One Month

Again, a post composed in stolen minutes over the course of a few days.

I love the transformations a baby makes in the first month.  They're so subtle, and so sweet.  Eye contact, little smiles when she sleeps, arm movements that almost seem purposeful -- like when she swings at a dangling toy, or when she grabs at me as I feed her.

She's still sleeping a lot more during the day than at night, and I haven't done much to alter that because I can pay better attention to Angelfish when she sleeps during the day and can pay absolute attention to Little Lionfish at night. Umm, so yeah, that sleep thing is still elusive.

Baby acne... poor little thing.  Her face looks so inflamed. 

I have yet to pump and attempt a bottle even once.

So very happy I am not preparing to go back to work in a week or two.

MILP #253

Magic Cookie had the Roundup this week.

Attorney At Large is next, and then here! 

Shopping

I have nothing to wear.

People say that all the time, but what they mean is "blah, everything in my wardrobe is tired, and I's sure like some fresh, new tops."  I mean:  I have no summer, casual clothes that fit me. None.  Years ago (years!!), I donated to charity everything that was ever in my wardrobe in my current size because I assumed I'd never see this size again.  So everything I have now is too big (except this one pair of jeans), and I am increasingly aware that this state of affairs is really unflattering.

Generally, I hate shopping... and I really hate shopping for me.  I hate looking through racks, I really hate trying on clothes, and I really really hate spending money on myself.  Its traumatic on a lot of levels.   

But, earlier this week, I went shopping.  I went to a nearby department store, not a "big girl" store, that was having a big sale (plus I had interweb coupons).  I dropped Angelfish at daycare, loaded the baby up with some boobie milk and spent 90 minutes combing the racks and navigating a sleeping baby in and around dressing room stalls.  

I bought three short sleeved tops, a couple of t-shirts, a pair of shorts, a pair of capris and a pair of sandals.  All stuff I can mix and match, and all for about $100.  Its probably not enough to get through the whole summer, but certainly better than the XXL tents and baggy pants I've been wearing.

Magic Cookie just blogged about fashion lessons.  I learned one this week:  shirts that are in my actual size, not "oversized" or "loose," but shirts designed to fit someone of my approximate weight and shape, actually look good on me.  This was an epiphany.

I'm still overweight by anyone's standards, but I'm down something like 50 pounds from my weight on the day I graduated law school.  I'd really like to drop another 30 and/or two more sizes.  That actually seems do-able to me these days.

Interaction

I noted that Angelfish's initial reaction to the arrival of the baby was indifference.  Starting about a week ago, she has shown more interest, and it has generally been positive.

• When the baby fusses, she goes over to check it out.
• If the baby is in the car seat, she tries to rock her. Unfortunately, her toddler enthusiasm is rather ... vigorous ... and I have to intervene in what is otherwise a kind gesture of sisterly affection.  Or at least, its a gesture I choose to see as such.  
• She says "hi baby" and "hi [baby name]" a lot, especially when she hears her from across the room.  
• She randomly chooses to bring the baby blankets and her binky.  Sure, she usually takes them away again right away, but its progress.
• She has initiated hugs and kisses.  She has only shown interest in kissing the baby's back back when I'm holding her, and not her face, but, again... progress. 
• She generally reacts well when I have to delay reading a book to her or playing with a toy, so long as I am holding the baby and explain that mommy is feeding her. 
• She tries to hold the baby's hand.
• She has a few baby dolls that she'll pick up and feed or pat when she sees me feeding or soothing the baby.  One morning, she laid down a blanket and put her baby doll on the corner, before getting distracted and walking away.  I could have sworn she was going to attempt to swaddle the doll, though.

Yes, Angelfish has had age-appropriate tantrums and meltdowns, especially when tired, and some of them seem to be prompted by my paying attention to the baby.  But these have been (blessedly) fewer and further between than I had feared.

MILP #252

Reluctant Grownup had it.

Belated happy mother's day to the MILPs!

(Magic Cookie is next.)

Three weeks: who needs sleep?

Disjointed thoughts drafted throughout the last two days.

• Lionfish is a very pretty baby.  She has long fingers and dark hair and eyes and a sweet little face.  When she's curled up on my chest like a little kitten, snoring lightly, its mommy heaven.
• She's strong.  She lifts her head and moves so much.   
• She's growing quickly.  So quickly.  Too quickly? Happy/sad.
• The nursing situation has improved -- less cracking and bleeding, some trauma and soreness, but no crying (on my part) lately.
• Two babies crying simultaneously is not awesome. 
• I haven't begun pumping yet because omg I don't know when I am supposed to find the time.  I feel like, during the day, when I'm not holding the baby, I am holding or playing with Angelfish.  At night, if/when I get to put the baby down for more than ten minutes, I use that time to sleep!
• Lionfish wants to be held... pretty much all the time, but especially between 5 p.m. and 8 a.m.  During the morning rush to get Clownfish ready and feeding Angelfish breakfast, etc., I pop her in the Baby Bjorn. 
• Right now, Wednesday morning, I'm kind of overwhelmed.  I feel hungry all the time, I'm eating crap, its raining so I can't get outside, and Angelfish is crabby, and it has literally taken me almost two hours to construct this sentence.  Lionfish pretty much won't fall asleep unless she's held.  If I put her down before she's asleep deeply enough, she awakes and wails.   (Note: Bullshark comes home & makes dinner every night and tries to give me a break in the evening, but the last few days, he's had tons of work to do at night, and he's exhausted too.  I can't say that my partner is anything other than supportive and awesome -- its just reality that my sleep schedule sucks right now, and I am depressed and overwhelmed as a result.)
• Right now, Thursday morning.  Last night, I got more sleep (poor Bullshark got much less), but I'm less overwhelmed today.  It also helps that I just dropped Angelfish off at daycare.  (She goes two days a week to reserve her spot for the fall.)

Ok I'm gonna post this now, disjointed as it is, because it is already kind of a ridiculous scattershot post and its not likely to improve with time.  How the hell other new mommies post prolifically in the first month is absolutely beyond my comprehension.

Job update

I may be able to return to my job after all, if I accept reassignment to a place with a much, much worse commute and less than ideal working conditions. 

Pros:
Job security through maternity leave and for one year thereafter.
Can use that time to look for/apply for permanent positions (this time, without impending childbirth looming ahead, which really precluded me from applying for several positions in the last year).
Predictability (this employment means predictable, if inflexible, work schedule).

Cons:
Commute sucks.
All the cons of returning to full time employment with a salary that will barely pay for daycare (and may actually put me in the hole, once I factor in gasoline for long-ass commute ... I may have to look at carpooling.)
Not returning to the office I've been at (short commute, lots of autonomy, people who love my work and respect both my time and my expertise).
Prospective office & supervisor is notorious for [details redacted, but nothing that isn't survivable]. 

There is a possibility that the reassignment won't happen, but they gave me the courtesy of knowing it was likely before I had to accept.  I have a few days to decide.

Thinking.

MILP #251

Kate at Today and Tomorrow hosted this week.  Check it out, won't you?

Reluctant Grownup is up next.

Post-partum Achievements Unlocked

First day flying solo:  Thursday May 3.  Went grocery shopping with newborn.

Fist day flying solo without sending toddler to daycare.  Friday May 4.  Took two kids to newborn well-baby check up and ran to grocery store for items forgotten the day before.  Made baked ziti.

First time wearing pre-pregnancy pants without elastic waist:  Saturday, May 5.  (Clownfish first holy communion. Separate post forthcoming.)

First time wearing pre-pregnancy JEANS.  Specifically, these jeans.  OLld Navy 14s. Today.  Right now.

(Just ate some celebratory Doritos. Need to remind myself not to sabotage this.)

Working girl post-script

There was a favorable final resolution to something that I handled at work. 
Someone was thoughtful enough to (ask a secretary to) mail to me a copy of a notice from the court with a post it appended to it, just saying thanks. 
Made my day, that. 

Adjusting: Clownfish

Clownfish is excited about his new baby sister, and still thrives in is status as "Angelfish's favorite person in the whole world."  But, with respect to him, I have not handled the transition from two to three kids well -- at all -- in these first two weeks. 

He's acting out because it gets my attention.  He suddenly insists on telling really long and detailed stories about Beyblade battles, and I think he knows that I'm less than half listening... all I hear is blah blah blah while I feed the baby and keep Angelfish occupied. He procrastinates more and more at bedtime, because by then, AF is already in bed and, occasionally, the baby is snoozing too, so he has his best chance at undivided attention ... unfortunately, right when I am my most bleary eyed and irritable.

It hasn't been all bad for him -- he's had soccer games and practices and runs around the block with Bullshark; we let him stay up to watch some favorite shows together on the weekend (yay Mythbusters!) and we all played some boardgames together.  He makes his first holy communion this Saturday, and we've planned a family party for him at the house afterwards. 

But as much as I am able to say we that, when Angelfish came home, we really did succeed in minimizing the disruption to the time and attention that he received, we (or, more specifically, *I*) really did fail to do the same this time.

All I can do is be aware of it and keep trying to find the balance.  But I do feel badly about dropping that ball more often than I caught it these last few days.       

MILP #250

Atty Work Product had it.